I’m weary from dealing in maybes and hopes. Tired of presenting facades, tired of people looking to me to speak with authority and confidence on subject matter that invites skepticism, that is fraught with questionable authenticity and massive holes in logic. I’m tired of defending faith as, at best, an ally of reason. I’m tired of defending a virgin birth and wise men following a star that STOPS over Bethlehem. What the hell? Was it a localized star hovering at 1,000 feet?

I’m tired of trying to discern the difference between what is real and what is written in the service of mere storytelling. I’m tired of trying to defend a belief system that has striking similarities to other belief systems, most of which originate in human inadequacy and fear of the unknown, fear of death, and a yearning for answers to the existential questions.

I’m greatly fatigued by the seeming need for one to achieve what approaches an altered state of consciousness just to get more fully in touch with the divine. With a God we’re more likely to hear, apparently, when we are absolutely focused and still, and everything is quiet and two or three are gathered in his name.

I’m tired of waiting on a God who seemed to show up with some regularity back in the day, but not so much anymore. I often catch myself wondering who, if anyone, I’m praying to. I’m tired of always having to keep my eyes open and staying alert. I’m tired of creeds that capsulize and dictate what I’m supposed to believe. I’m leary of leaning too heavily on and putting too much credence in words written somewhere between 17 and 32 centuries ago. 

As if nothing of significance could have been written and learned since.

I’m exhausted by the weekly task of having to write a sermon for which I have to find substance in a mystery and relevance to our modern lives.

Are we evolved only to the point of needing to know that there’s something greater than ourselves out there- a benevolent God who sees and cares for us? A place where life is good and neverending? Will we evolve beyond this need for God? Will science and reason give future cognitive life forms all the answers and render God a quaint notion of bygone and naive times? Or is science the result of trying to quantify and measure and explain something a supreme being just… made? Is evolution from God, or will evolution eventually remove God from any discussions?

Will we ever arrive at a time when every single question has a satisfactory answer?

Who knows?

Despite all of this, I will continue to pray to a God I hope is there. Because the alternative would be to accept that we really are on our own. And that, besides being almost as absurd as belief, would just plain suck.

Building a border wall constitutes a national emergency? Mike Pence’s God must be giving himself a face palm.

How can this be happening? Calling all cooler heads. Because the Looney Tune-in-Chief is likely going on national TV tonight to rile us up and feed us another big steaming pile of bullshit.

Did people really feel this way about Barack Obama? Like they couldn’t imagine another 4 years with him in office? Were they as full of vehement denial and disgust as I have been since the 2016 election? It hardly seems reasonable, but it’s probably a similar dynamic. So was it because he’s a Democrat or because he is black? Probably both, but his blackness is what I’m guessing caused the wheels to come off the bus of reason and sanity.

I can’t imagine another 4 years of Trump. It will be painfully awful, but perhaps at some point we will all just go numb.

My expectations of ever hearing something meaningful come out of his mouth long ago plummeted to zero. I can’t listen to the sound bytes on the nightly news. He just spews volumes of nothingness. Crass, thoughtless drivel. Does he tweet his own thoughts, or is someone feeding him the words?

I can’t believe people continue to rally around him. It’s all about swallowing hard, biting one’s tongue, and holding onto power. And checking their humanity at the door.

Do our elected reps in D.C actually go there because they sense a call to public service, or simply because they want to make a name for themselves and revel in the prestige and power? Is there always something at stake for them beyond the needs of the people who put them there?

They do the photo ops, they say they listen to their constituents, but do they really? Can they dare be honest and tell their constituents, in a nice way, that maybe they’re full of shit and need to expand their world view and calm down? Or does the one who promises a chicken in every pot, a fulfillment of basic needs, stand the best chance of prevailing, as in “tell ‘em what they want to hear?” Helluva strategy. It worked for Trump. And now we have to suffer his ugly persona and daily spewing of sewage.

I really wish the media would stop being so fascinated with him, stop treating him like some rare species, like a spectacle worthy of their study and analysis, not to mention their time and fascination. Being a savvy politician isn’t necessarily a compliment, as if it is some sort of honorable character trait. And Trump is a politician, whether or not he paints himself that way. The jury is still out regarding his savviness.

I know the press is supposed to be impartial and unbiased, but Trump begs partiality and close scrutiny of whatever his agenda is. A robust skepticism serves us well these days.

Sometimes it feels like there is just a handful of people making decisions that affect the rest of us. Like there are the movers and shakers in Washington who get there by making promises, and then they overstay their welcome and make all sorts of moral compromises. And we have to watch it unfold without being able to do anything about it except wait for the next election cycle.

In some ways we are still fighting the Civil War. Hmm, a civil war. That’s funny.

Winning and losing. Doing and undoing. Has it always been this way? Or were the true colors revealed after Barack Obama was elected? Did the craziness ensue after a black man was elected POTUS? Fear has gotten us Donald Trump. Some will say that we’ve gotten what we deserve, but I didn’t vote for him. I and and almost 66 million others don’t feel we “deserve” him.

I hope the Democrats can hold out during this shutdown over Trump’s useless wall. The tragedy is that hundreds of thousands of workers now go without pay because Donald Trump is on a mission to fulfill a bogus campaign promise.  

It’s difficult to write because emotions get in the way here, but how does a district judge in Texas get to rule on the validity of the ACA? What were the political machinations behind this development?

Sometimes it feels like this really is a battle of elemental forces, between good and evil. How can you ban something that’s established and helping millions of people? I can only imagine that rendering the ACA unconstitutional would be the holy grail for Donald Trump. It is absolutely maddening to think how proud he would be of such an “accomplishment.” We’d never hear the end of it.

Just admit it, Donald. You’ve never had a vision for the country. You just wanted to win, to prevail and send the naysayers packing. You wanted to destroy things and claim this as making America great again. And now that the Mueller noose is tightening, you just want to lash out, take no prisoners, slash and burn.

Who are you? What are you? And what is your gripe with Barack Obama? Is it his blackness? Or is it because he carries himself with an air of confidence you can’t come close to matching, and it drives you crazy?

Donald, just go away.

In my life, I never envisioned using “brobdingnagian” in a sentence.

I listened to another TED talk the other day. This one was more substantive and relevant than the last one I mentioned in here. This one treated the topic of endless growth and how we’ve been conditioned to treat it as just the way things should be.

The featured presenter spoke in terms of GDP and the mindless consumption of resources in a linear fashion, which is unsustainable. For anyone who thinks we haven’t traveled too far down that road, this model, by Kate Raworth, is at least worth a look.

Raworth considers herself a “renegade economist,” a proponent of a circular model of sustainability based on how the earth itself operates. I’m sure in some circles she’s viewed as just the next tree-hugging lunatic, but what she says makes perfect sense to me. At least the part about having to disabuse ourselves of the notion that we can keep consuming with no expectation of consequences- as if the earth is our oyster and we can just keep picking it clean.

Sheer ignorance and stupidity aside, is climate change denial also a function of good old self-interest? Are people so blatantly selfish that they’re willing to ignore the warnings of an overwhelming portion of the scientific community- not to mention just looking around and putting two and two together- because they stand to lose too much money? 

In my naivete, I have operated on the fairy tale assumption that no one could have such darkness in their soul, but this is obviously not the case. After all, there are the proponents of coal, oil, and gas, along with other diehard deniers who stand to lose the source of their wealth and livelihood. And we have a president who’s in the pocket of Old Energy, who doesn’t know what he thinks except that it needs to resonate with his base.

A mix of energy options is not a long-term solution. It’s a flimsy compromise, a postponement of the inevitable, a propping up of fossil fuel dinosaurs. It is a kowtowing to the traditional energy lobbies who still wield enormous power and influence, who have the resources and brain power to facilitate the movement to cleaner energy sources, to retool and retrain, but instead choose to drag their feet. 

It seems there is little thought being given to future generations. Yet the threat to civilization is real, and the clock keeps ticking.

If I wanted to drink something for its flavor, I’d have a chocolate milkshake or a hazelnut latte. I drink beer and wine primarily for the relaxed feeling and the buzz.

Enough of the pretentious babble about bouquet and hints of chocolate or blackberries. That just sounds like someone in denial or who has too much time on their hands.

If you ever find yourself tempted to wax eloquent over an angular, austere, or structured vintage, then maybe you should own a vineyard.  Or volunteer at a soup kitchen.  Or both.