I’m weary from dealing in maybes and hopes. Tired of presenting facades, tired of people looking to me to speak with authority and confidence on subject matter that invites skepticism, that is fraught with questionable authenticity and massive holes in logic. I’m tired of defending faith as, at best, an ally of reason. I’m tired of defending a virgin birth and wise men following a star that STOPS over Bethlehem. What the hell? Was it a localized star hovering at 1,000 feet?
I’m tired of trying to discern the difference between what is real and what is written in the service of mere storytelling. I’m tired of trying to defend a belief system that has striking similarities to other belief systems, most of which originate in human inadequacy and fear of the unknown, fear of death, and a yearning for answers to the existential questions.
I’m greatly fatigued by the seeming need for one to achieve what approaches an altered state of consciousness just to get more fully in touch with the divine. With a God we’re more likely to hear, apparently, when we are absolutely focused and still, and everything is quiet and two or three are gathered in his name.
I’m tired of waiting on a God who seemed to show up with some regularity back in the day, but not so much anymore. I often catch myself wondering who, if anyone, I’m praying to. I’m tired of always having to keep my eyes open and staying alert. I’m tired of creeds that capsulize and dictate what I’m supposed to believe. I’m leary of leaning too heavily on and putting too much credence in words written somewhere between 17 and 32 centuries ago.
As if nothing of significance could have been written and learned since.
I’m exhausted by the weekly task of having to write a sermon for which I have to find substance in a mystery and relevance to our modern lives.
Are we evolved only to the point of needing to know that there’s something greater than ourselves out there- a benevolent God who sees and cares for us? A place where life is good and neverending? Will we evolve beyond this need for God? Will science and reason give future cognitive life forms all the answers and render God a quaint notion of bygone and naive times? Or is science the result of trying to quantify and measure and explain something a supreme being just… made? Is evolution from God, or will evolution eventually remove God from any discussions?
Will we ever arrive at a time when every single question has a satisfactory answer?
Despite all of this, I will continue to pray to a God I hope is there. Because the alternative would be to accept that we really are on our own. And that, besides being almost as absurd as belief, would just plain suck.