My train of thought as I laid in bed at 4am the other morning was along the lines of trying to organize my feelings about church, and why it isn’t doing anything for me on those rare occasions when we go.
It didn’t take long for the train to go from “worship is just familiar and formulaic and rote” to the default rant… “if God is love, why is there so much viciousness and violence and horrific death in the world among people who also believe in God and cry out to him or her when they are angry and frightened and homeless and being butchered by people who also say they love God, or at least praise his name a lot?” What lessons are we to learn, what requirements are we to fulfill, before God makes an actual appearance?
What’s the key to finding peace, to living a life that pleases and appeases God and allows us to get through our days without worry and fear and hunger and deprivation? What’s the formula? There must be a formula. I know the answer lies in scripture somewhere, or at least that’s what I would be told over and over again until the cows come home and go back out again. But I’m beyond tired of getting that response, that… answer. That’s no answer, though it is a formula. And it turns out that formula doesn’t cut it.
I would love nothing more than to go to church one day and hear something that changes my perspective, gets me thinking, sparks a desire to keep looking and listening. But I’m not very hopeful of ever encountering such revelation. What I do know is that my life without church is emptier than it used to be. And my life with church was angst-ridden, because I was skeptical and saying things I wasn’t sure I believed.
It’s like we’re all trying to find the path that brings us comfort, helps us make sense of this life. We may give God the glory, thank God for this life we’ve been given. But at the end of the day, maybe we also find ourselves wondering if God has heard anything we’ve said or has anything to do with any of this. We wonder if God exists.
We look around, we see so much evil perpetrated in God’s name, and so many prayers going unanswered, so much time passing. And don’t give me the bullshit about we’re asking for the wrong things. Most aren’t asking for an easy life or a pot of gold. They’re pleading for faith and peace and health and food and a roof over their heads and a stop to this unending viciousness and hate. They’re asking why they were born to experience such unending misery, and they get no answers. Is it just their lot in life? Maybe it’s because there are no answers that shed any light or bring comfort.
Is this life nothing more than simply finding a path that makes sense, and then just trying to stay on it? I think we spend too much time looking for God, and not enough time coming to terms with the possibility that we’re on our own, evolving slowly, here for a short time and then gone. What are we supposed to learn along the way?
We can conceive of a supreme being, and have been told there is one. But is there, really? Evidence is mounting to the contrary. If all someone can say is “Hang in there,” or “What have you got to lose by believing?”, then I’m about ready to count myself just another agnostic.
3 Cents' 